Conformity or Reality

There are a number of issues floating around at the Academy these days, all of them relating to the development of our Secondary students. However, these issues have little to do with academic development and much more to do with character and maturity. These are difficult issues at any age but even more so as children make that emotional evolution from children to adults.

One of the issues we have been facing is whether it is better to have these developing young adults conform to our system or to give them the opportunity to make mistakes and learn from them. What is the role of the school? Of the staff? The easiest one for me is to have them conform because then I am only dealing with rules and rules are easy to deal with. The other way is messy and requires a lot of time and investment in each youth.

Lately I find myself confessing to my own failings as a youth which went a long way to contributing to how I deal with things as an adult. There were not a lot of people I trusted in my youth. It was my own fault. I was more interested in books, to the delight of my mom. I invested my money and time in stories that stayed within two covers and that did not demand very much from me as a person. I had friends but I certainly did not invest myself in them. I dealt with everything alone and it led to some disasters in my youth because I was not willing to allow people to invest in me. I have not changed all that much. I remain a very private person, or so I thought.

I discovered last week that just because a person is private does not mean people can't know them. I was having an heart-to-heart talk with the Secondary trying to resolve some things. I told them that I had been angry with them for the last two weeks because of their constant disregard of the school rules for computer use. I then stated that they could not tell I was angry because I do not allow my emotions to effect how I respond to people. A hand went up and a student said, "We knew Pastor Paul. We always know." I was dumpfounded. I asked them how they knew. So they started describing my behaviour, how I change things, the tone of my voice and so on. One student said, "You are very easy to read Pastor Paul", and they chuckled. Here I associated shouting as a sign of anger, which I do not do but the students associated it with a series of actions and tone that I use. It seemed they knew more about me than I knew about them. It was not the only lesson God had prepared for me.

Yesterday it was Pastor Roy's turn to preach at our church. He said something related to this that made me sit up and take notice. He was referring to how we do not get involved with each other. He stated that this was not a sign of respect but instead an attitude of not caring. "You go do your thing and I will do mine. I won't bother you and you don't bother me, because I don't care and don't want to be involved." Let's face it, life is messy; friendships are messy. Do we want a school that tells the youth we don't want to be involved, we don't care? Or do we want a school that invests in our youth? If it is the latter then we need to be prepared to get messy and to pay the price of time and energy.

What it comes down to is do we want our kids to hide their sins from us so we don't have to deal with it? Or do we want them to be honest even if it hurts us so that we can deal with it? In order for there to be honesty there has to be trust. In order for there to be trust there has to be love. And in order for there to be love there has to be tolerance. This is the fine line where we love the individual even when they do things that we cannot and will not accept. Love is helping them navigate these things without ever giving up on them. Our youth need this even if they don't realize it right now. Conformity or reality? Which is important to us?

I think we all need to get messy.

The Art Of Complaining

The other day I was out doing my usual Saturday chores, trying to get a week’s worth of work done in a day. I was at my usual choice of stores for groceries but I had a shorter list of items than usual. I am moving in a couple of weeks so we are eating a lot of the odds and ends before we go to make the move easier. This is the reason why, when I arrived at the checkout line, I only had one cart instead of the usual two or three. Of course being a Saturday there was a lengthy line but not all that bad. After a short time it was my turn and I began to load the items onto the conveyor belt.

It was while I was loading the items that it happened. A man came out of nowhere with a cart, passed everyone in the line, including me, and went directly to the cashier. My jaw dropped as he started holding up his items to be scanned by the cashier. I could not believe what I was seeing. Who was this guy that he considered his time to be more valuable than mine?

I should inject here that there are not a lot of things that bother me but if you ever want to see my blood boil then jump the cue. No one likes standing in line. Everyone is busy. What makes some people think their time is more valuable than anyone else’s? You know these guys; they are the ones who duck under the chains at the amusement parks, the guys who try to squeeze in at the last minute on the highways, the ones who force their way in at grocery store lines. Polite society says everyone takes their turn.

So here I was watching this arrogant guy forcing himself on the cashier, getting ahead of me in the grocery line up. Somebody needed to tell this guy that this was not acceptable. Then I noticed that he was having trouble understanding the cashier. Was he an immigrant? Did that change things? After all, things are different in other countries. People have to be pushy to get anything. Then again this was not another country and we have certain social rules here. If I let him get away with it then he will never learn that we don`t do this kind of thing in this country.

This was the argument going on in my head. The thing was, by the time I finished arguing with myself the moment had passed. Now it was too awkward to say anything. So I stood there feeling indignant that my time was devalued in this manner. Is that a proper Christian attitude? After all, are we not supposed to turn the other cheek? Is it wrong to complain?

Now let’s not lie to ourselves; we complain all the time. We may not do it in a manner that others hear but we still complain. Personally I am beginning to accept that it can be good and even healthy for us to complain if we complain in a proper manner. These are the points I consider to be important for healthy complaining:

1. Complain to the right person. There is no sense venting to a person who is powerless to make changes to policy. I feel bad for the employees who work the cash. They are the face of the store but they have no say over policy. Speak to the manager. Be nice to the cashier.

2. Be polite and respectful. We never get very far with disrespect. Even if we are correct with our complaint, disrespect will only create barriers. The same is true for that guy in the grocery line or your annoying neighbour.

3. Don’t expect things to change. Complaining is really only about one thing; making our opinion known and feeling better for it. If we actually expect something to change we will just be disappointing ourselves. Sometimes the thing that changes is us. In speaking of our dissatisfaction we open a dialogue that allows the other person to explain.

Is this biblical? According to the psalms it is. Who better to vent to than our Father? Sometimes we take out our complaints about the circumstances of our lives on the people around us, but they have no power over these things. Only our Father can do something about these circumstances. It is not offensive to complain to him, we just need to do it with respect. The psalmists did it and they did not pull any punches. Psalm 44 is a good example. The writer records all the things that God did for their fathers, but then complains that they are facing hardships even though they are living to honour God. This is the complaint:

All this happened to us,
though we had not forgotten you
or been false to your covenant. (v17)

Why do I bring this up? Because I believe it is better for parents and students to tell us how they are feeling about things then to keep it to themselves or complain to other people. An example: I have heard recently that one parent found some of my general letters condescending. I was really surprised by this. My suggestion was that this parent take one of these letters and highlight the wording they found to be offensive. I had no idea that my letters were coming across like this because it was not the heart behind them. By putting this complaint forward to me, the one who has the power to evoke change, this parent was able to feel better and I was able to address an issue that I did not know was an issue.

However, if it had been something that I would not have been able to change, such as the number of PEDs in the school year, it would have at least opened a dialogue. It is in dialogue that we are able to understand each other. In the case of PEDs I would have gained the knowledge that parents are frustrated and the parent would have gained the knowledge that PEDs are a requirement of the government. It is for these reasons that I find complaining to be a healthy exercise and one that I am learning. I am not a vocal complainer but I am a complainer nonetheless.

Complaints are unhealthy when we keep them to ourselves. They are unhealthy when we voice them to people who have no power to do anything about it. They are unhealthy when we deal with them out of anger and disrespect. They are unhealthy if we have false expectations for the results. So let’s do something constructive with our complaints. Let us build a community out of respect and understanding. Let’s talk.